Death

Death is one of those things. One of those things that really sucks. How did it come to suck so much? Fear not! For I shall tell you. It used to be, when death was first invented by St. Benedict, that it was an awesome thing, something that people enjoyed greatly and became very popular among the people. It wasn't until the whole world had embraced death and made it a part of their everyday end of their lives that St. Benedict was accused of being a dick. Of course the allegations were not true, but the scandal and subsequent degrading tabloid headlines sullied his good name forever. From then on, people were not so excited about death and tried to remove it from their society, but it was already so deeply ingrained that it was impossible. To this day, there are ongoing efforts to remove this phenomenon with things like "eating healthy" and "exercising regularly" and even things as extreme as medication and surgery. While these things have provided a temporary fix, none have been successful in preventing the death all together. Scientists hope to one day find the antidote to death but many prominent philosophers simply seek to popularize it again by using an incorruptible figure to inspire the same acceptance that St. Benedict once had. The most current person being considered is Batman. It is thought that he will not only get people excited about death again, but that his pure awesomeness could be a potential antidote for those that wish not to die.

Zombies

Zombies are usually thought of as an evil entity. They come out of the ground, usually around some kind of Armageddon situation, and feed on the brains of those unfortunate enough to still be alive. But what makes them really evil? I mean, they were once just normal people who lived lives just like us. What was their crime that was so hideous that they were condemned to become these monstrosities? They died. So what? Everyone dies. It’s not a crime. In fact, our whole ecosystem depends on people dying. If it didn't, then it would depend on people not having sex. Which is the greater evil here? Therefore, I am here to suggest that since dying is obviously not evil, zombies are therefore not evil. If they are not evil, there intentions can be nothing but honorable and it should be our duty, nay, our PRIVILEGE to allow these most holy creatures to eat our brains out. They only want to share their experience of death with us. How else can we become like them if we do not die? Also, what do we benefit from resisting them? Everyone will become a zombie eventually either from direct zombie attack or they will die of old age and then become a zombie. So, either we live a life of isolation avoiding the zombies and then die and become one anyway, or we give in now and avoid the whole being lonely for 50 more years crap. And lets face it, being alone sucks. You get bored pretty quick. You can only read so much before you get cross eyed, and playing games by yourself is just pathetic.

Helmets

So, I've decided to post some of my favorite entries from the encyclopedia of pointless exercise "duel perspective". These are the ones that, when I read them, fill me with joy. This one's about Helmets.

Helmets are a darn useful object. They were first conceived of when people started falling off their bikes and someone thought "Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if our brains DIDN'T splatter all over the pavement every time we crashed?" And thus the helmet was born. Today, however, it has found much more useful employment. They are now used for retarded people to make sure they are not confused with normal people. They also make awesome chip bowls. It is theorized that the chemicals from the helmet seep into the chips and make them taste even more super awesome. Everyone who has ever eaten from a helmet chip bowl has developed cancer within 6 months, but there is no evidence that there is a direct correlation (besides the rather minor coincidence that the tumors are shaped like helmets). Helmets also make awesome snowballs. Just pack a bunch of water inside one, freeze it, and then throw it at someone! Everyone involved will have fun (except the person you threw it at who will die of a concussion. Ironic, isn't it?). It's also a good idea to wear them while snorkeling to intimidate small fish so that they know who's boss. Otherwise those fish will walk all over you (figuratively speaking of course). One time this guy went snorkeling without a helmet and he ended up doing the fishes laundry for a month. It is not clear where the fish got clothes, but it is suspected he stole them from another snorkeler without a helmet just so the other helmetless snorkeler had some clothes to wash. Also, if you ever run into a fish named Herbert, just roll over, you’re screwed. There's no winning, you WILL become his bitch, helmet or no.