Cupcakes

Cupcakes are fruity. Some are actually fruity, like have actual fruit in them, although I can't imagine why anyone would want to put themselves through that torture. But all cupcakes are fruity fruity as in 'oh my god, that's so fruity'. What do people mean when they say this? I'm not really sure actually. They say it about people a lot. Guys are often referred to as 'fruity' but girls never are. I can only assumed there's a bunch of guys out there with strawberries in their pants. Why would you do that? It sounds really uncomfortable. They would get all squished and slimy and it would just create a huge mess. Or maybe they put watermelons in there. But those are really heavy.

You know what's not fun? Having a dolphin in your car. They are really freaking annoying.

Or maybe they use pineapples. That sounds painful. The points would rub all over their legs and probably make them bleed and their blood would get all over the ground and mix into the dirt and then they wouldn't be able to use the dirt for road construction. Maybe they can make cupcakes out of it. Then it wouldn't go to waste. But keep all the pineapples juices out of it. That would not be a good cupcake. A cupcake with pineapple juice would just make everyone vomit. Not like the yummy ones made out of dirt and blood.

Stupid fucking dolphins.

Death

Death is one of those things. One of those things that really sucks. How did it come to suck so much? Fear not! For I shall tell you. It used to be, when death was first invented by St. Benedict, that it was an awesome thing, something that people enjoyed greatly and became very popular among the people. It wasn't until the whole world had embraced death and made it a part of their everyday end of their lives that St. Benedict was accused of being a dick. Of course the allegations were not true, but the scandal and subsequent degrading tabloid headlines sullied his good name forever. From then on, people were not so excited about death and tried to remove it from their society, but it was already so deeply ingrained that it was impossible. To this day, there are ongoing efforts to remove this phenomenon with things like "eating healthy" and "exercising regularly" and even things as extreme as medication and surgery. While these things have provided a temporary fix, none have been successful in preventing the death all together. Scientists hope to one day find the antidote to death but many prominent philosophers simply seek to popularize it again by using an incorruptible figure to inspire the same acceptance that St. Benedict once had. The most current person being considered is Batman. It is thought that he will not only get people excited about death again, but that his pure awesomeness could be a potential antidote for those that wish not to die.

Zombies

Zombies are usually thought of as an evil entity. They come out of the ground, usually around some kind of Armageddon situation, and feed on the brains of those unfortunate enough to still be alive. But what makes them really evil? I mean, they were once just normal people who lived lives just like us. What was their crime that was so hideous that they were condemned to become these monstrosities? They died. So what? Everyone dies. It’s not a crime. In fact, our whole ecosystem depends on people dying. If it didn't, then it would depend on people not having sex. Which is the greater evil here? Therefore, I am here to suggest that since dying is obviously not evil, zombies are therefore not evil. If they are not evil, there intentions can be nothing but honorable and it should be our duty, nay, our PRIVILEGE to allow these most holy creatures to eat our brains out. They only want to share their experience of death with us. How else can we become like them if we do not die? Also, what do we benefit from resisting them? Everyone will become a zombie eventually either from direct zombie attack or they will die of old age and then become a zombie. So, either we live a life of isolation avoiding the zombies and then die and become one anyway, or we give in now and avoid the whole being lonely for 50 more years crap. And lets face it, being alone sucks. You get bored pretty quick. You can only read so much before you get cross eyed, and playing games by yourself is just pathetic.

Water

Water is the giver of life. It makes us live. Because of this, some might be inclined to think water is awesome. YOU'RE WRONG! Water is not awesome. Tasty? Yes. Necessary? Yes. But not awesome. To become awesome, something must go beyond being merely necessary for all life to exist. It must also have cable television, lots of Doritos, and a cool "firm but undemanding" stepfather. To advance to the super awesome level, it must own a yacht, play the guitar, and have a vacation house in Hawaii, which it travels to on its yacht. Water has none of these things. Sure it has a bunch of minerals, which can be turned into precious metals, and most of water has a bunch of salt, but these are not truly awesome things. However, it is possible even if something does not have all these awesome things to advance to the super HAPPY awesome level which involves adopting a cat. Nothing is awesomer than having a fluffy kitty that is super happy awesome and more cutely adorable than anything in the entire universe. Cuteness of that level is rare and cats are the only known creatures to possess it. How do they do it? The latest research seems to suggest they read a lot. However no one has been able to find these books and harness this power of cute. It is very possible that humans are just not meant to have it.

Helmets

So, I've decided to post some of my favorite entries from the encyclopedia of pointless exercise "duel perspective". These are the ones that, when I read them, fill me with joy. This one's about Helmets.

Helmets are a darn useful object. They were first conceived of when people started falling off their bikes and someone thought "Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if our brains DIDN'T splatter all over the pavement every time we crashed?" And thus the helmet was born. Today, however, it has found much more useful employment. They are now used for retarded people to make sure they are not confused with normal people. They also make awesome chip bowls. It is theorized that the chemicals from the helmet seep into the chips and make them taste even more super awesome. Everyone who has ever eaten from a helmet chip bowl has developed cancer within 6 months, but there is no evidence that there is a direct correlation (besides the rather minor coincidence that the tumors are shaped like helmets). Helmets also make awesome snowballs. Just pack a bunch of water inside one, freeze it, and then throw it at someone! Everyone involved will have fun (except the person you threw it at who will die of a concussion. Ironic, isn't it?). It's also a good idea to wear them while snorkeling to intimidate small fish so that they know who's boss. Otherwise those fish will walk all over you (figuratively speaking of course). One time this guy went snorkeling without a helmet and he ended up doing the fishes laundry for a month. It is not clear where the fish got clothes, but it is suspected he stole them from another snorkeler without a helmet just so the other helmetless snorkeler had some clothes to wash. Also, if you ever run into a fish named Herbert, just roll over, you’re screwed. There's no winning, you WILL become his bitch, helmet or no.

Assignment from Favorite

Bet you forgot about his.  Bet you thought I wouldn't actually write it.  Well I did and here it is. 

The Feather by Miss Batman

This is a story all about how a feather got turned upside down by a gust of wind as it flew through the air deep within the mind of a girl named Crystal.  She made this feather up with her mind when her buddy called her to talk unrefined.  They talked about pot, they talked about bubbles, they talked and talked until she wanted cuddles.  Then she had an idea to get off the phone, "I'll tell her write a story 'bout a feather."  And it worked real good until her friend got tired and said "Fuck it, I'm going to bed." 

THE END

How to survive without your internet

(inspired by real live events)

1. Tell yourself its not a big deal

2. Clean your desktop

3. Find some files you forgot about

4. Think "OMG, that's so cool!  I forgot about those files!"

5. Put all files in their proper place

6. Decide to write some stuff

7. What's a good name for this character?

8. I need to look that up on the internet

9. Remember you don't have internet

10. Shit

11. Okay, I'll look that up later

12. Decide to create a picture

13. It'd be really awesome if I could start with a picture of a leaf

14. I'll go get one off the internet

15. Shit, I don't have internet

16. Look through some more files

17. Haha, look at these e-mails I wrote

18. Did they ever write me back?

19. I should go check my inbox

20. Goddammit!

21. Feel the withdrawals sucking on your brain

22. Write a stupid 'how to' list instead

23. I should post this to my blog

24. ...Fuck

25. Save to desktop

26. Despair

27. Repeat in 10 minutes